Water Goblins
The Only Gift Worse Than Sea Monkeys
For most kids, Christmas morning is a magical time of the year, and for me that was doubly so in 1992. I was only eight at the time but I remember that morning well. I was still old enough to believe in Santa and when I woke up I saw that it had snowed the night before, leaving behind a layer of powder that coated the yard and the trees.
In the eyes of someone that age it was nothing short of magic, and that’s all before I opened up the presents under the Christmas tree.
That year there was only one thing that I really wanted. It might sound silly now, but the thing I wanted more than anything else in the world that year was Sea Monkeys.
Why Sea Monkeys? I couldn’t tell you why exactly, but I think it was because of the live action television show. For some reason I was in love with it but I couldn’t tell you why now.
That morning I didn’t wait for my parents to wake up. Instead I opened the first gift I laid my eyes on, then the second.
It was the second gift that was the Sea Monkeys, at least that’s what I remember it as. However I’ve seen photos of that morning and the box didn’t say “Sea Monkeys”, it said “Water Goblins”. Not only that, but the cartoon critters on the packaging were pale green and not pink. Just about everything else on the box was the same as the official Sea Monkeys.
My parents were not pleased that I didn’t wait for them before opening the gifts, but it didn’t stop them from helping me setting everything up.
In the box was a clear plastic aquarium that was far larger than the one that came with the official Sea Monkeys kit and had magnifying glasses that were made to look like bubbles on the sides. There were also four packets: One to make the water suitable for the Water Goblins, two were their food and the last was a packet full of eggs.
I couldn’t tell you how long I was expecting something like the art on the box or the show, instead I saw what amounted to flakes drifting around. Even though a thousand eggs were in the packet, I only saw a fraction of that swimming around.
They looked nothing like the art on the box or the TV show and I was mad to say the least.
My mother insisted that I still had to take care of my gift and that it didn’t matter if I lost all interest or not. I had to show responsibility.
The next morning there were less Water Goblins, but they were big enough to be seen without the magnifying bubbles. At the time I wasn’t concerned about how few remained, I was excited to see them. That is, up until I actually got close enough to get a good look at one.
They had four legs, pincers, a face that was covered in mandibles set deep inside of a shell and a tail that ended in a thangamizer.
These did not look like anything like the box art, but this development reignited my interest.
Unlike sea monkeys who are actually shrimp, I had no idea what these things were but was fascinated nonetheless. It didn’t take long before my childlike curiosity turned into horror when I saw the largest of the Water Goblins eat a smaller one.
I told my parents but in their typical fashion, this was met with an uninterested “Thats nice” from my father and a sigh from my mother before taking another one of her pills.
They didn’t believe me or cared to listen, but that didn’t stop the Water Goblins from growing. Each day they seemed to double or even triple in size.
Early on New Year’s Day, I woke up from a nightmare involving the Water Goblins getting out and to play it safe, I decided to flush them. I figured I could just tell my parents that they died if they ever asked.
Later that day we went to my aunt’s house for the annual Holiday reunion where we ate and visited family members I barely ever see. By the time we left to return home, I had forgotten all about the Water Goblins and the nightmare I had earlier that morning.
I remember when we got home, my father opened the house door and shouted that we had been burgled. In reality the Water Goblins managed to crawl out of the toilet and tore the house apart but none of us knew that at the time.
My father grabbed the shovel he used to clear the steps of snow and ice and branded it like a weapon before going inside. It didn’t take long before we heard him shout in surprise followed by the sounds of violence.
“Ralph?” my mother shrieked before running into the house as I just stood there, too scared to move.
“Get out of here, Lois” my father demanded moments before screaming in pain.
“What is that?” my mother shouted as she ran inside, leaving me on the porch. As soon as she turned the corner to head towards where my father ran to I heard her say “What in the holy fuck is that?” as she was slowly backing up. Not seeing where she was going, she tripped over the rug.
Thats when I saw two Water Goblins the size of baseballs rushing after my mother who was desperately swinging a framed photograph she took off the end table beside her. She made a futile effort to kill them but they had a thick shell, similar to crabs.
Dad ran out of the house, passing my mother who was trying to stop, drop and roll and nearly ran me over. He was screaming and holding what remained of his left hand.
“Mom” I cried as more fist-sized monsters came into view, towards her face.
I was frozen with fear as I watched them devour her.
Dad did what he could and dragged her outside, but by then it was already too late. They had already burrowed into her.
“Run,” my dad shouted at me. “Get help.”
I was running on instinct and obeyed. Reaching the neighbors seemed to take forever and I wasn’t making any sense when I got there, thankfully it was obvious that something horrible had happened and called the police.
By the time help arrived, my mother was dead in the snow. Thankfully so were the Water Goblins who don’t like the cold.
Since then my father made it his mission to find whoever was responsible for the Water Goblins and make them pay. We hired a lawyer to sue the manufacturer but despite our rock solid case, we had no idea who was to blame.
Bulwark Toys didn’t exist.